Love Day

Happy St. Valentine! Celebrate love today. And say it, say it! Finally, say it! Share a hug, a kiss, a confession, affection and tenderness. :) Don't hide from love and don't be afraid to love because no matter how much we hide, chances are we'll still get hurt sometime but if we never risk, we'll never win, while losing will remain part of the game. Life is about loosing your belt and taking a ride in the dark. About closing your eyes and taking a leap of faith. There is nothing worse than the things we missed. Open your heart, make someone feel truly special today and let them decide after that. Make a gift. The most precious gift of all is love, so let your love shine throughout the world. :)

Ah, and don't forget all the girsl/boys you loved before! :)))))) No matter what happened, they were part of your life and most probably were there for a reason.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5fWoTeJ04GE

“If we are the same person before and after we loved, that means we haven't loved enough.”
― Elif Shafak, The Forty Rules of Love

Life is short...

Remember this?

Life is short,
break the rules,
forgive quickly,
kiss slowly,
love truly,
laugh uncontrollably,
and never regret anything that made you smile.

Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than the ones you did.

So throw off the bowlines.
Sail away from the safe harbor.
Catch the trade winds in your sails.
Explore.
Dream.
Discover.

~ Mark Twain ~

And I'd say: don't be afraid to do all this.  :) Have a different and wonderful New Year!

Tough love?

Yesterday I received this (published with the consent of the author):
"What to do when he is aggressive?"

I am by no means an expert on relationships, there are tons of such people out there, so you may consider going to a specialist because, as far as I know this - being in such a relationship, may be a sign of deeper problems and some of them may be long "forgotten". The only thing I can say and is true for me is: With the right person you're happy. With all others you're strong.

This I know from personal experience. As soon as the "be strong" chord breaks in, the best way is out. It doesn't even need to be aggression which is a very serious issue. Anything that makes me feel like I need to be strong, is actually pulling me out. Because I don't want to be strong, I want to relax and be happy. As simple as that. We make it complicated coming up with thousands of excuses to stay in while it's actually very, very simple. Happy - yes or no? There is no middle way here. I also don't believe in relationship wisdom preaching of constant compromising, being rational and so on. This may be someone other's way and that's fine if it makes them happy but I don't believe it. Love, or at least my love, is never rational nor do I want it to be such. Love is above and beyond any rational thoughts. Love and dreams have much in common for they both break rules. And rules were created by people, don't forget that. Trust yourself, listen to your heart and follow. You may, and inevitably will, fall a couple of times. May be even a few. May be more. You will be hurt. But then you will stand up, I promise. We've all been wounded. This, however, should strenghten your faith in yourself, not weaken it. You are beautiful and strong, and you deserve the best. Don't be afraid to dream! Dare. Make it big and take a leap of faith. Only we see our dreams as "big" or "small". Those who sign the papers up there don't care at all if you're dreaming big or small. To them it's all relative. Time, space, differences. It's all created by us but it exists only here. Its power is limited. Yours is not. Let your hair loose and get wild. :)

A man who is strong enough to hit you is not strong enough to caress you. That's it.

Love yourself and all will work out miraculously. Promise. :) 

OK, it seems it's one of those nights when I get what I need via quite unexpected sources. LOL Music, that is. Music for manifestation. :) So... As you dream big and let your inner self celebrate You, why not get a drink and just dance... Forget all around. It's a New Moon night, guys. All is possible and sky is the limit. Enjoy. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=co5gaJjTZkY Don't push too hard, don't cling. Just indulge in your own dream. Feel it. 

By the way, in accordance with the song. I've been invited to particpate in a ball. It's not my first time, it's a charity initiative but last time I was part of it was many years ago before I moved to Canada. Guess it's time to dust my dancing shoes which I hung up on the nail then. Or, even better, take my old favorite satin ballet shoes out of their box... And hope for a better partner this time. LOL

On the wrong path. Or may be not.

I've written many times about fear. It's present in almost all my stories because I meet it on a daily basis. Last night, which marked the end of my summer vacation and the "get back to normal" moment, I was having drinks with my best friend who has been in a tricky relationship for over four years now. On and off, not going anywhere really... She had to give this speech on "what if I am alone for the rest of my life" to defend her choice to not risk it and get out of this... I didn't really try to argue with her again because I've figured out she doesn't want to be reminded there may be other options out there. She truly wants to stay where she is and spend the days hoping. Hope is good. Hope is powerful. It's a flame that never really dies. I also hope someone will cross her path and take her on a completely different journey. But it makes me sad that she gave up dreaming. On the other hand, my dreaming has taken me on a wrong path again, so who am I to preach about it? Stumbling is not the greatest way to walk. But I can't help it. I do dream. And as years pass, my dreams tend to become bigger and even more difficult to turn into reality. Or so it seems from where I stand now...

It's complicated because on one hand, growing old brings wisdom and inevitably makes it easier to be who we really are. Meaning, if I like someone now, I have no problem saying so. Self-confidence at this point of life doesn't depend on others' approval anymore. On the other hand, time brings a bit of pessimism because I can look back and see what has materialized and what hasn't... Overall... I'm a lucky person, I should say. Much has become a reality. But now... I have absolutely no idea how things are going to work out. I made a wrong choice. I turned in the wrong direction. I put myself in a place where I'm thousands of kilometres and a day of life time away from my dream. Time and space are relative but from this living room here they look like a mountain that blocks my vision ahead. If it's insurmountable, I don't know. How long it would take to climb it, I don't know. And most important, I don't know why I always have to choose the hardest to achieve. Why, why, why...

But I'm not afraid which was the theme of our conversation yesterday. I don't understand why she is afraid. We've known each other for 13 years and I still don't get it. I read the cards for her last night and reminded her part of the description of the Page of Wands: "Inner fire that can drive away fear and replace it with fury." That inner fire may very well be her hope but I somehow think what is needed is something warmer, even hotter. Something that shakens our whole life and existence when we see it, think of it... Like I woke up this morning and in my mind this song was playing... A song related to my dream. And another day starts when I have to run errands, take care of my son, smile, talk, meet, greet... While on the inside I feel like burning. If there is really a mirror somewhere up there that reflects our thoughts... then I may be on the right path after all... regardless how it seems to me now. It may be the longer and more difficult one but no one ever promised me it would be easy.

I think I'm on my way to a new story... It's somewhere in my head. A bit blurry still but taking shape. A story about the wrong paths. Or the "wrong" paths.

Unbreakable silence

*Picture courtesy of www.ideachampions.com

Today is a new day. And quite different from yesterday. I've been reading my Tarot and it made me think of... things. Is it really possible to connect to someone via... your thoughts, your energy, your dreams even? Do time and space exist as a barrier or is it all surmountable? Why do we remain silent when we want to shout it out loud and claim what we crave, breaking all rules and laws of physics? What are you silent about, what do you keep to yourselves and why? I know I don't trust myself and my ability to truly attract this... . Why? Because I've been raised according to the laws of physics, not of love. To be raised under the laws of love is to be given extreme power. While I remain silent, days, months and years pass. And if something doesn't change this somehow I'll turn back one day and I know I'll be bitterly sorry for all words left unspoken. I can't deny the fact that it's pathetic and cowardly.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NnEmE8qanG8&feature=autoplay&list=PLC45A0F374B06A0A5&lf=mh_lolz&playnext=4

I love you not because of who you are...

... but because of who I am when I'm with you.
I love you not for what you have made of yourself,
but for what you are making of me.
I love you for the part of me that you bring out.

This quote is widely popular, of course, timeless wisdom by Roy Croft, but it was only today that I actually started to truly see what's behind it. I met a friend of mine who, as usual, went on explaining to me in very tiny details what her next (ideal) partner should be. And his description contained all those wonderful words we all use in such cases: handsome, tall, charming, gentle, loving, caring, successful, et cetera, et cetera. I listened for a while and then I just shot this question at her, I don't know how it came to my mind: Who are you with him? She didn't even take it serious, thinking I was trying to be funny. But I meant it. Was she smiling, glowing, dancing, relaxed, passionate, kissing, secure, beautiful, adored, was she a servant or a queen, was she a mortal or a goddess? "Who are you?", as the caterpillar asked Alice so many times.

I think before we write down all those numerous lists with requirements for our ideal partners, it'd be worth it to switch the point of view and try to see ourselves with those partners. In almost all books I have ever read everyone tells us to visualize our mate. I beg to differ. I think it's more important to visualize who we are with those people, how we feel, if we can actually capture the feeling and hold it even for a second, this would be priceless. Instead of visualizing their features, why not visualize ours while we are with them - love beautifies everyone, so go ahead, see yourself glowing, youthful, smiling, fit, hopping out of joy and happiness, your feet light as you have wings attached, your hands open for a hug, your heart beating fast and excited, enjoy it, enjoy yourself. Because he (or she) may come in all forms and shapes but what should be most important is how you will feel and look in their presence. :)

There was once a great Russian movie, called something like "On my death blame Clara K." In this movie Clara chose man B over man A and explaining to man A why she didn't chose him, she said: "You gave me yourself but B gave me myself." Worth thinking, no?

Lazy lovers or lovers of laziness?

*Image courtesy of www.muranoglass-shop.com

This is going to be about synchronicity - those hints and signs, the mysterious repetitions, the unlooked for messages that sometimes pop up just to mirror our thoughts, desires, dreams. I can't say I'm very good in catching them all but this time I got it.

As each year, as each spring, with the first warm sun rays, I start thinking Provence. No surprise here. It's my personal, my very own heaven. My heart, my dream, my skin and my breath. My never experienced in full love, my never satisfied desire because I always want more of it. And as I was falling again in my Provencal dream, a friend of mine, who lives far from here and from Provence, sent me an e-mail telling me he fell in love with - attention! - Provence and he planted Provencal plants in his garden to remind him of the place. I thought "funny" and went on. On the next day, cleaning my closets (I'm moving), I found a book I had no idea I possessed - Vineyards of South France. Ta-daam. Today, I was driving when I heard this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wZVWD8Iy09w .

*Image courtesy of www.todleho.com

I know for many the song has nothing to do with the place discussed but I'll tell you how I feel. I'm thinking... sun... an orange, huge, naked sun; impossibly intense blue sky; hot air burning my lungs while my bare feet walk the velvety surface of a grass so green that my eyes hurt; whispering sea down under the rocks, I can catch a glimpse from here; iron gate crying quietly when the steps approach; cedars glued in an eternal hug; shadows dancing under the crowns of centuries old trees, hiding my pebbled terrace from everyone; grey iron chairs, the paint flaking, the patina betraying the age; flowers, waterfalls of flowers flowing from the pots, touching the ground, spreading on the mossy stones... I'm thinking perfume and a white shirt under the trees... A hammock... A panama hat thrown carelessly in the stony fountain... Flowery skirt spread on the grass, a glass of wine spilled in the water, a cup with cherries and the juice on the white shirt... Were we lazy lovers? Did we miss something succumbing to the laziness of a heavy afternoon turning into purple dusk while the valley was shaking under the sounds of music and crowds were fighting to get a spot on a fashionable beach? I don't know. But I'd do it again, same way, same time, no second thoughts, no regrets. Lazy lovers is not that bad actually. Not in Provence of mine. :)

What I'm trying to say is: effort is not always necessary. Being active and proactive is not always best. In our world where everything seems to be so fast that we miss at least half of it, we must sometimes stop. Just halt. Breathe. Smell. Listen. Sense. Let it flow through you, feel it. The life. The love. The whatever makes you smile. Surrender to the timelessness because time was invented by us, humans, in a desperate attempt to categorize something that exists far beyond the limits of our imagination. There is no need to constantly pursue something. Love especially. Be lazy, love it. :)

P.S. Just opened the blog list to check the blogs I follow. Guess what was the first title I saw? "Sweet lovers". :o It's working, I'm telling you. :) We are more powerful than we realize. And I'm glad to know it. I'm actually so grateful to know it! Because it means my next vacation will be right there, above the sea, on the rocks, behind the iron gate. And my garden will be full of friends, flowers, kids, laughter, and who knows...

I've been reading...

 ... this little book. As I've stated a number of times here, I don't believe in coincidences. Meaning, I believe everything happens for a reason. When I go to the bookstore, I let the right book call on me. This one did precisely that. In short, I recommend the book as it's written friendly, it's not theorizing, it's simple and meaningful. Here is what I got today from it:

"Unless you first commit to her,
you will not see her beauty.
Unless you first commit to him,
he cannot be the One."

In the last chapter I also found a challenging concept... "You are gift-wrapped". I chewed on it for a couple of days as I'm one of those who have been taught being a gift is like selling oneself. Extremely stupid, of course, one of those old "pieces of wisdom" I wish I had never heard, yet deeply rooted in my mind. I realize now when I give away gifts, I never sell them. I may have spent a fortune or a loonie on them but I have thought of the person, I have invested my emotion in the piece, I've co-created it with his maker once again, especially for the person to receive it. Therefore, I suggest you unwrap today and give yourself away. :) No worries, no fear, the worst possible scenario is to be a gift returned. But accepting the thought you are unique comes with the realization that, like most unique things, you cannot be liked by everyone. There is no point to be sad. It's only a question of time or timing to meet the expert in uniqueness. :))

Here is a song that complements my mood today: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MRgFeZa_I48 What can I say? Use somebody to be your gift receiver... Or use yourself to be someone's long expected gift... Risk it, play it, enjoy it. And be sure that the one who must, will notice. :))

Immortal Beloved

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0110116/ As you may (or may not) read, this is one of my all time favorite movies although I dare not to call it simply a "favorite" because it's digging too deep in my soul. I hadn't watched it for over ten years because I feared my own reaction. Of course, these are personal things, not all respond the same way to the same thing and it's all about our perceptions and memories. To me, this movie set the beginning of a five year love story which otherwise would have never happened at all. The man was unattractive according to my vision then, too shy, too introvert, too... not my type at all. Yet, he came one day and left the movie on my desk. Just like that. And was gone. I will forever remember that night as I went home after work and played the old VHS. And played it again. And again. Spent the night peering in the dark. On the next morning I had realized I had just received the most remarkable love letter I had ever received in my entire life.

I watched it again today. More than ten years later. I didn't fall in love with the past again. But I'm still in love with the story. It made me think of the cliche that love comes in all different shapes. Old but true. We tend to wish for love and wishing we somehow subconsciously feed the idea of this most beautiful, smart, caring, loving, successful person... Yet, love may sometimes come into our lives in dirty clothes, with wounded feet, shabby looking, rough and edgy, hurt, resentful even... Will we welcome it then as we would have welcomed the glossy image pampered by our mind? If I hadn't done so, I would have never known one of the most remarkable people I have ever met. It's not said anywhere you will be together forever (another one of those misperceptions of our imagination). It hasn't even been said you will be happy in the sense you'll live in a constant bliss. In fact, most big love stories rarely have a happy end. And I think the reason behind that is the raw power, the electrifying energy so difficult to handle. It's like touching fire, feeling the pain and still reaching for more. At the end, one or everyone, turns into ashes.

I'm a Plutonian girl. I know what "frozen flame" means. I know explosions. I know ashes too. And it all sums up in the simple phrase "I am love". Not how the other looks like, not how he entered my life, not if he met any requirements, not if he'd had one or eleven relationships before that, not if he were a saint or a devil... but how I felt. The feeling makes my world turn. Bitter or sweet. So be it!

P.S. The letters Bethoven wrote to his mysterious lover can be found and read here: http://home.swipnet.se/~w-15266/cultur/ludwig/beeim.htm At first, I didn't feel them. I somehow missed the atmosphere of the movie. But when I spent more time with them, I sensed that raw power... and the explosion came.

Fortune telling with a sense of humor

If you've never tried Gong Hee Fot Choy (what a name!) and you're not sure you have a high level of tolerance, don't try it. LOL I have a friend who swears by it and does it each week. She persuaded me and I had to make a wish. Naturally, I made a love wish. And guess what I got for a beginning! This:

"Someone is thinking of contacting you by phone, email, or letter. They may wish you would call them. Concentrate and see if that person who wants to contact you comes to mind."

Well... Thank you very much! LOL It's so clarifying. :)))) Now, I'll wait for the call. Because, apparently, I can't guess who of all out there in the world would like to contact me. I know whom I would like to contact but I don't have his number. Complicated, no? LOL Ring, ring. :)))))))

Aaah, this is an update. :)))) The Gong has been nicer today:

"Someone is thinking of giving you a present. They are planning and wondering what you would like. Hold a thought for something you want. They will pick up on your thought and fullfill your wish."

Well, how can I refuse? LOL I think the Dior jewellery I wished for around Christmas will do the job. :)))) Thank you in advance, secret Santa Claus! :)

On a more serious note, seems this Gong system relies quite a bit on positive thinking which is cool as long as the other person can catch the vibration. ;)

Dream a little dream of me...

First of all, I dream extremely rarely. Even worse, I don't remember what I've dreamed on 97% of those rare occasions. Imagine my shock when I woke up last morning with the clear thought (and image) in my mind that I had to jump out of bed and run to my Nice office (in South France!) to deal with the numerous tasks related to being Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie's PR. Private, that is. They had called me about an hour earlier (dream time) and told me I was the one and there were no others. Oh, wow. I didn't reject it.


* Photo courtesy of http://faehavenstudios.com

The day went on in an even stranger mode. I received some spam about the Oscars and suddenly realized I had somehow missed the hysteria this year and they were just around the corner - February 27. Ashamed, I googled the 2011 ceremony and dived into the latest Hollywood gossip with remarkable energy. On the second page, instead of focusing on the presenters, I stared at the last (not so new) Jude Law / Sienna Miller split. Having been there, I want to share a couple of thoughts that rushed into my mind then.

Never go back.

At least not in these cases:
- if you fear loneliness
- if you think there are no men/women left on Earth to suit your needs
- if you find yourself ugly/overweight/wrinkled, etc.
- if you are nostalgic
- if you haven't been in another relationship since you broke up
- if you think you can't fall in love anymore
- if you feel tired
- if you think you wasted your time and keep doing it
- if you're not truly, deeply in love again, don't go back.

                                                                   
                                                                                                         *Photo courtesy of www.bischoffgalleries.com

I've personally tried it twice. With different people. It didn't work. It could not work and I knew it, which is the odd part. Despite knowing it, I still gave it a second try. Once out of pure contempt and the second time in search of security... or something I thought was security, safety or whatever I had on my mind but it looked like having a home and supper with someone. The truth is that once broken, the vase will forever remain cracked no matter what kind of magic glue you generously pour on it. I know, I know, there are people who even re-marry and say they are happy together. I agree, it's possible. All is possible in this life on this planet. However, if you want it to work out, make sure that this time you love yourself first, that you like yourself, that you like other men/women, that you're not scared/desperate/lonely and that you treasure your freedom.

(What's this about the prenup? Jeez, if I had had a little brain I would have signed not one but two!)

Back to the Oscars, I keep all my fingers and toes crossed Colin Firth is going to get this golden uncle! At last! The man is an all time emanation of Mr. Darcy, for God's sake! Give him some credit! :))))

Perfume and changes

Hello dear ones! I haven't forgotten the blog, just had to travel forward and backwards since September till now. As scared as I was about flying with my little one, I did it, and a number of times. This time I practiced what I preached - facing our fears and still doing what scares us is intimidating, even paralyzing sometimes, but it's so worth the effort. I had the most bizarre summer as I found myself in a hotel I first visited when I was two years old and as I entered the hallway the first thing I saw was a man I've been eyeing for ages... Nothing happened. Or maybe happened but I don't know it yet. ;)) I mean, the Universe sometimes works in odd ways. As I'm a firm believer that everything happens for a reason, I'm full with optimism that the way my past entered my present again has a deep, rich, fulfilling purpose. And I'm open to receive the huge Christmas presents I know are in store for me. :)

Speaking of presents, this year I wish for beauty. Beauty in all around me - in my relationships, in my love affairs, in my motherhood, in my writing, in my cooking, in my new perfumes and in my big box of cocoa I'm sharing those cold days with my son. Beauty like Dior jewellery, I guess. :))

Did you make your wishes already? Did you wish big? As big as you have never dared to? Because I found (again) my only limitation is my own mind. This summer I realized how deep in my past were hidden the reasons why I had never wished as big as I wanted. And I started working on these. This time I am resolved to kill all the thoughts that stop me from getting all I want. For Christmas. And in general. :)))

I must say that my treasure map is also working wonders and some of my wishes there are already a fact - in only a few months. Wow. :))) I am constantly updating it and keeping it safe from hostile looks and people. It's my secret weapon. :) Currently I'm attaching pictures of Venice - I've dreamed of going to the carnival since I was a teen, London next Christmas, and Paris for this once-in-a-lifetime killer date. :)) I'll keep you posted how the manifestation is going. :)

So, to open a new chapter, I switched from J'Adore to Miss Dior Cherrie, started working out again, bought a couple of killer dresses, changed my hair color and my hair style, bought an apartment far away from here and booked my flights for next year in Prague... I-am-so-enlightened. I feel like I'm flying. My horoscope tells me it's all Venus's doing and I hope she stays for long. We all have our time to shine but how often we miss the opportunity. I had forgotten how it feels to love myself for no other reason except that I exist. Now I'm floating on a puffy cheesy cloud and it feels oh-so-great. And in addition, it seems to influence everyone around me... Let's see what Santa has in his bag for me. I hope the bag is big enough. :)))

Risky business

This is going to be a quick one. I just read a beautiful article about the boldness to love. Yes, again. My point here is: how many times did you risk it all for love? And I mean all - money, career, job, your nice condo, may be even a penthouse, your new or not that new car, your nice clothes, your credited possessions... How many times did you prefer love to all of these? Ever? Never? It doesn't necessarily mean you lost all else but how many times did you accept the thought you could lose it or at least you were risking your well designed life and hard worked for life? For one kiss? For a stolen hug? For the thrill to whisper in someone's ear in the middle of the night instead of having "good night sleep"?

I'm just wondering where we are in our evolution these days. The paradox of our time is still valid - we have much, yet we lack the essentials. We work a lot, earn more, buy even more, yet we long for "happiness". Which is? In most cases I hear people defining it as "love" in one way or another. Be it a partner, a child, a pet, a loving family or else, it's all love. It should make it easier for all of us to sacrifice the possessions but it seems not to be happening. I can't point at the reason but I can share something personal.

I write about love. Not romance but love - the big, sometimes painful, often considered impossible love. The dream which very few dare to pursue. Like Romeo who didn't think of his family's wealth when he died for Juliet. Nor did he expect anything in return. He just chose love. Of course, it doesn't mean we have to commit a suicide to prove we love dearly but it helps make the point that big love, the one that carries us away into another dimension, it does take a sacrifice or two. These should be made happily - very important. I've done it. A couple of times. And while not all these loves ended happily, I don't regret now, when I look back. The memories are magical. They also give me the hope the better still lies ahead. Because I've learned already to choose love.

P.S. On my trip - a big victory - I booked a hotel! Yes, love helps. And yes - fighting fear means to admit it and to face it, and still - do what you fear and have faith. :)

The ever planning and never doing

I just read an article about the power of the present. I know, it's soooo popular these days, together with the positive thinking, you may have already abandoned the whole concept, but still. Because I have experienced myself the power of our mind and I have dreams come true in most unusual ways, I am a firm believer that yes, we can have it all if we only believe we already have it. That's the tricky part, of course. One has to surrender entirely to the imagination to start living a dream while still functioning in the reality surrounding us. Yet, it is possible. I practice daily. I have twenty minutes each night for my dreaming. Just like I have minutes for brushing my teeth, washing my face, placing tons of cosmetics on it, etc. And I am disciplined. I have my phrases, affirmations, dreams - all prepared, all ready. Then I go to sleep assured my subconscious is working hard to bring my wildest ideas to life.

And the next day comes. Where am I? In front of the computer. What am I doing? Researching vacation spots. Again? Yep. I've been doing this for more than two months. For that long of a period I should have chosen not one but five spots, I should have bought all tickets, insurance policies, vouchers, etc. Have I done it? Nope. Why not? Because I'm deadly scared. Of the future, of the unknown, of the imaginary evil waiting for not me but my loved ones, of the fatal error the trip may prove to be... Do you see the pattern?

I convince myself I am a good positive thinker and achiever, yet I can't book a ten-days vacation with my child because I expect all kinds of terrible things to happen while there. I've never felt like this before. Ever. It's the motherhood that made me so insecure. The paralyzing fear for the life of someone else. The enormous burden of being responsible for someone innocent. It's terrifying. I can't recognize myself, yet I know very well the only way to deal with such irrational fear is to face it and do what has to be done despite the fear. Meaning, I must book this vacation. I must choose the spot and just do it.

Will I? Frankly, I can't see it happening at this moment... May be more reading will help. May be my yoga breathing will do the job. May be not. May be if I don't go anywhere I'll feel a bigger loser than if I risk and go. In fact, I know that's how I'll feel. Who stole my adventurous spirit I was praised for just a couple of days ago? Deep inside I feel like a lier. I am someone who preaches but doesn't practice. There were times when I'd drive from Paris to Montpellier in an exhausted Citroen, older than me, alone, not knowing more than twenty words in French. There were also the times when I travelled for work almost 1/3 of the time, driving, flying, jumping on trains in countries I had never seen before... And it was all exciting, it was all thrilling, lovely!

Have I turned into a chicken? Seems so. But at the bottom it's always this fear for the little ones... It's never me, except when I realize if I'm gone, there will be noone else to look after him... Realizing it all also helps, of course. Writing about it, digging in it, looking it in the eyes... All teachings brought together to buy me a simple vacation. Pathetic, no?

P.S. Not to mention that the pictures of beautiful places, beaches, palms and boats on my treasure map are already so many that the rest started looking insignificant!

A woman at 35

Technically I'm not there yet. Still, I was asked to answer a few questions and I found them and my own thoughts intriguing, so I'm posting them here. It's not exactly official interview, no copyright involved (yet). It all started as a game of truth (tricky!). Turned out to be a revealing experience. Hope you find something for yourself. :)

Q. How do you feel different from when you were 25? 30?
A. Smashed.


Q. Why?
A. Well, between 25 and 30 I felt no difference. Whatever was coming my way, I was eager and capable to manage. Now my energy seems at a very low level.


Q. Would you like to share if there is a particular reason or do you think it's aging?
A. I don't believe in aging as such. Ages are numbers. However, I won't deny the nature of our bodies and yes, they do get tired easier at 35 than they did at 25. But at the end of the day, it is all coming from inside. There must be a fire burning to keep the power alive.


Q. And your fire is...
A. Wanted. Dead or alive.


Q. How is writing going?
A. It's not going. I can't write when I'm lacking fire.


Q. It all sounds rather depressing.
A. Agree. I'm actively looking for the "exit" sign.


Q. Have you found it before?
A. Hundreds of times. I know it's there. Somewhere. What is most annoying is my inability to see it right now.


Q. What helps usually?
A. Love.


Q. Speaking of love, when did you fall in love for the last time?
A. About a month ago.


Q. Happily?
A. No way. I'm a Scorpio. We invented love drama before Shakespeare even thought of Romeo and Juliet. :)))


Q. Up till now we have lack of fire, lack of inspiration, lack of love... 35 seems something we should try to avoid.
A. It depends on what you want. If you want roses and pigeons, then by all means skip the grey and black. But if you want to see your next strike of luck as a true gift of the Universe and appreciate it as never before, take the bitter sip, cry if you feel like crying, listen to soul ripping music, spend sleepless nights asking questions without answers, and grow up. It hurts, I know so well. But when the new day rises and you see a rainbow out of the window... Then the faeries may come to kiss you.


Q. Or someone else may come?
A. All frogs are faeries in disguise. Never be afraid to kiss a frog. ;)


Q. What is next in your life?
A. Vacation, vacation, vacation.


Q. Not all is black then.
A. It never is. Life is colors and colors are inside us.


Q. Have you chosen your destination?
A. I've bought plane tickets, yet I haven't booked a place to stay at.


Q. How much time do you have to book?
A. Less than two weeks.


Q. Isn't that a bit risky?
A. Definitely. Especially considering a two year old sleeping somewhere in the fields because his mother is insane.


Q. I can't help but envy you a bit for the adventurous spirit.
A. Thank you. The truth is I'm still torn between different choices and I can't point the one I want most.


Q. But you bought the tickets.
A. Yes, but they are to Central Europe and from there it's equally close to all the countries I'm trying to choose from. Last week I was told the cheap tickets to one of my dream destinations were sold out. I told them I could fly to Madrid instead and drive from there. They pronounced me a lunatic.


Q. Frankly, sounds fun to me. Despite your little child...
A. I know. I'm sure we can do it. We'll be Gypsies for a month... Or two...


Q. I wish you a glorious summer... I hope you answer a couple more questions when you're back. We'd love to know how it all went.
A. Gladly. I'd love to know how it was too. :)))

I apologize in advance for not checking the spelling and not editing at all. Just copied and pasted. Somewhere between the search of a decent place to stay at and the child support fight, I lost my desire to be perfect. ;))

BTW, how are your summer plans developing? :)))

Treasure maps and positive thinking

Yes, I'm one of those who believe (or try hard to believe) we can design our own life and especially future, considering we've probably lost the opportunity to design our present already. So, I made a treasure map for myself. It's supposed to be made when the Moon is waxing, ideally at new Moon but I made it a couple of days later. What surprised me was the childlike joy I experienced while choosing the paper, the colors, and especially when I reached the point to choose my dreamy houses, yachts, destinations, smiles, clothes, times, etc. I felt I had wings and spent hours and hours browsing magazines. At the end I had so many pictures that I had to leave some of them behind. Naturally, I couldn't completely abandon them and that's how I ended with a special second tiny treasure collage to support the main one. :))) I'm greedy, may be, but I do deserve it. And more. Now I'm positive the Universe is working hard to give me and my son a big, bright, healthy, happy life. I am open to accept the gift we'll be given and to enjoy it with every fibre of my body. I am so confident all is working well, I'm booking plane tickets, holiday rental, I buy swimming suits and kids stuff for the beach, I choose fancy clothes for myself... And you know, I feel empowered. I feel supported. I know I've been heard and it's such a beautiful feeling. I attract the best to myself and those I love because I truly deserve it. I wish you all the same and... making treasure maps is great fun. Why not do one for yourself? :)

When fate pushes us

Sometimes we prefer to ignore the signs and silence our intuition. That's how I moved to a place I hate and suppressed my anger, and tried really hard to pretend it was OK. Yet, fate found another way to push me in a different direction - men tried to break in in my home tonight. I was, of course, alone with my son. I will tell you that my laptop (lid closed) started playing music only ten minutes before I heard the noise downstairs. I am grateful for my angels protecting me and my child, for giving me the time to call 911 and collect myself enough to look after the little one while wondering what's going to happen if the door finally gives in. I'm also grateful to the policemen considering I'm alone with a toddler and coming super quickly. But at the end of the whole story, besides thanking to all my gods, faeries, spirits and so on, I finally have to realize next slap may be brutal. The choice is surely mine - wait and risk to see what will happen if I stay or grab my stuff and fly away. I think I must choose the second option. For my own sake and for the sake of my child. Sometimes it's so difficult to leave our past, isn't it? Even when it stinks.

Love disputes

We've been arguing on an Internet forum for ages which one is worth more - living with someone who makes us feel comfortable, yet lacking the passion, or going for the "big love" risking to never find it. I, naturally, tend to defend the latter option. The thing is I've been in a relationship with someone who was stable, wealthy, secure, mature, and all other "ure" things but wasn't exciting me in any way. I did my best, I swear. Five years is a long time to check out if it's possible or not. And I'm positive it doesn't work. All women I know in such relationships are turning into neurotics with the time. I just don't believe it's in our nature to live our lives thinking on a daily basis that something is missing and something is passing us by. It's poison that works slowly but with the time increases its impact and our blood turns into venomous substance that kills our heart. Up to the point when all those involved in the relationship develop such an apathy that nothing, not even a sudden spark come from nowhere, is capable of restoring the harmony anymore. And this is not about the natural process of "falling in love - love - respect - friendship". This is about the lack of spark/passion/love from the very beginning. I don't believe such sacrifices are worth. Many of those on the forum say it's worth for the security of the children, yet I can't see it. I believe happy children are raised by happy parents. And vice versa - if the parents are unhappy, the children won't be either. This, of course, leads to the fundamental question "in a marriage for the sake of the kids" or "out of the marriage for our own sake". Call me "selfish" but I definitely prefer the second option. If a marriage has reached the point where the kids are the only reason for its existence, it's a done deal.

OK, I was asked why would anyone enter such a relationship at all. From my experience, this usually happens as a result of a trauma - any kind - emotional, psychological, physical. It starts when we are vulnerable and think compromising the spark will lead to a blissful calm existence. Also from my experience, it's a delusion.

On a more positive and summerish note, I think I found a place in Spain where we'll go at the end of August. Screw the economy, the seaside is always healing. :))))

Still no lyrics for a beautiful song in my head. A couple of lines floating around and no more. Terrible.

Those grey days when...

...when we walk away and what remains is a question mark... I learned to breathe. I won't say I don't care, I won't lie. But with the time I learned to protect myself and my child from the pain. Not always possible, not entirely so, not as well as I'd wish to. Some days, like today, I'm facing the evening with fear. How will I explain to him, what will I say, how do I interpret the adults' selfishness to a two-year old... How do I translate the lack of love... Sometimes like today I feel I'm a bad mother for not providing my child with the best environment at any cost... Tomorrow will be a new day. Tomorrow I'll be challenged by little chores and everyday life... And again... To answer all those questions he will ask. Find the appropriate answers without knowing what "appropriate" means these days. But any time, any day, I'm staying here with him. And when I'm frightened or sad, I tell myself there is something big in the works for us. Because the Wheel keeps turning. Nothing is forever. Even the bad. This too shall pass. :)

Ah, and I started a new book... called "Winners". Because, you know, I must believe we are winners indeed. :)

I never cry

I lost someone yesterday... Seems like I've lost this one forever. Like forever. Like I didn't have enough already... I wonder how many more? I wanted to write something extraordinary today. Something soul-raking, heart-breaking, mind-blowing, yet I found my words were weak and powerless. I only spent half of the night walking around and calling a name against the wind. I never cry. No, I'm not crying.


Update: The cat came back! All is well! :))