I've written many times about fear. It's present in almost all my stories because I meet it on a daily basis. Last night, which marked the end of my summer vacation and the "get back to normal" moment, I was having drinks with my best friend who has been in a tricky relationship for over four years now. On and off, not going anywhere really... She had to give this speech on "what if I am alone for the rest of my life" to defend her choice to not risk it and get out of this... I didn't really try to argue with her again because I've figured out she doesn't want to be reminded there may be other options out there. She truly wants to stay where she is and spend the days hoping. Hope is good. Hope is powerful. It's a flame that never really dies. I also hope someone will cross her path and take her on a completely different journey. But it makes me sad that she gave up dreaming. On the other hand, my dreaming has taken me on a wrong path again, so who am I to preach about it? Stumbling is not the greatest way to walk. But I can't help it. I do dream. And as years pass, my dreams tend to become bigger and even more difficult to turn into reality. Or so it seems from where I stand now...
It's complicated because on one hand, growing old brings wisdom and inevitably makes it easier to be who we really are. Meaning, if I like someone now, I have no problem saying so. Self-confidence at this point of life doesn't depend on others' approval anymore. On the other hand, time brings a bit of pessimism because I can look back and see what has materialized and what hasn't... Overall... I'm a lucky person, I should say. Much has become a reality. But now... I have absolutely no idea how things are going to work out. I made a wrong choice. I turned in the wrong direction. I put myself in a place where I'm thousands of kilometres and a day of life time away from my dream. Time and space are relative but from this living room here they look like a mountain that blocks my vision ahead. If it's insurmountable, I don't know. How long it would take to climb it, I don't know. And most important, I don't know why I always have to choose the hardest to achieve. Why, why, why...
But I'm not afraid which was the theme of our conversation yesterday. I don't understand why she is afraid. We've known each other for 13 years and I still don't get it. I read the cards for her last night and reminded her part of the description of the Page of Wands: "Inner fire that can drive away fear and replace it with fury." That inner fire may very well be her hope but I somehow think what is needed is something warmer, even hotter. Something that shakens our whole life and existence when we see it, think of it... Like I woke up this morning and in my mind this song was playing... A song related to my dream. And another day starts when I have to run errands, take care of my son, smile, talk, meet, greet... While on the inside I feel like burning. If there is really a mirror somewhere up there that reflects our thoughts... then I may be on the right path after all... regardless how it seems to me now. It may be the longer and more difficult one but no one ever promised me it would be easy.
I think I'm on my way to a new story... It's somewhere in my head. A bit blurry still but taking shape. A story about the wrong paths. Or the "wrong" paths.
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