Life is short...

Remember this?

Life is short,
break the rules,
forgive quickly,
kiss slowly,
love truly,
laugh uncontrollably,
and never regret anything that made you smile.

Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than the ones you did.

So throw off the bowlines.
Sail away from the safe harbor.
Catch the trade winds in your sails.
Explore.
Dream.
Discover.

~ Mark Twain ~

And I'd say: don't be afraid to do all this.  :) Have a different and wonderful New Year!

On the wrong path. Or may be not.

I've written many times about fear. It's present in almost all my stories because I meet it on a daily basis. Last night, which marked the end of my summer vacation and the "get back to normal" moment, I was having drinks with my best friend who has been in a tricky relationship for over four years now. On and off, not going anywhere really... She had to give this speech on "what if I am alone for the rest of my life" to defend her choice to not risk it and get out of this... I didn't really try to argue with her again because I've figured out she doesn't want to be reminded there may be other options out there. She truly wants to stay where she is and spend the days hoping. Hope is good. Hope is powerful. It's a flame that never really dies. I also hope someone will cross her path and take her on a completely different journey. But it makes me sad that she gave up dreaming. On the other hand, my dreaming has taken me on a wrong path again, so who am I to preach about it? Stumbling is not the greatest way to walk. But I can't help it. I do dream. And as years pass, my dreams tend to become bigger and even more difficult to turn into reality. Or so it seems from where I stand now...

It's complicated because on one hand, growing old brings wisdom and inevitably makes it easier to be who we really are. Meaning, if I like someone now, I have no problem saying so. Self-confidence at this point of life doesn't depend on others' approval anymore. On the other hand, time brings a bit of pessimism because I can look back and see what has materialized and what hasn't... Overall... I'm a lucky person, I should say. Much has become a reality. But now... I have absolutely no idea how things are going to work out. I made a wrong choice. I turned in the wrong direction. I put myself in a place where I'm thousands of kilometres and a day of life time away from my dream. Time and space are relative but from this living room here they look like a mountain that blocks my vision ahead. If it's insurmountable, I don't know. How long it would take to climb it, I don't know. And most important, I don't know why I always have to choose the hardest to achieve. Why, why, why...

But I'm not afraid which was the theme of our conversation yesterday. I don't understand why she is afraid. We've known each other for 13 years and I still don't get it. I read the cards for her last night and reminded her part of the description of the Page of Wands: "Inner fire that can drive away fear and replace it with fury." That inner fire may very well be her hope but I somehow think what is needed is something warmer, even hotter. Something that shakens our whole life and existence when we see it, think of it... Like I woke up this morning and in my mind this song was playing... A song related to my dream. And another day starts when I have to run errands, take care of my son, smile, talk, meet, greet... While on the inside I feel like burning. If there is really a mirror somewhere up there that reflects our thoughts... then I may be on the right path after all... regardless how it seems to me now. It may be the longer and more difficult one but no one ever promised me it would be easy.

I think I'm on my way to a new story... It's somewhere in my head. A bit blurry still but taking shape. A story about the wrong paths. Or the "wrong" paths.

Dream a little dream of me...

First of all, I dream extremely rarely. Even worse, I don't remember what I've dreamed on 97% of those rare occasions. Imagine my shock when I woke up last morning with the clear thought (and image) in my mind that I had to jump out of bed and run to my Nice office (in South France!) to deal with the numerous tasks related to being Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie's PR. Private, that is. They had called me about an hour earlier (dream time) and told me I was the one and there were no others. Oh, wow. I didn't reject it.


* Photo courtesy of http://faehavenstudios.com

The day went on in an even stranger mode. I received some spam about the Oscars and suddenly realized I had somehow missed the hysteria this year and they were just around the corner - February 27. Ashamed, I googled the 2011 ceremony and dived into the latest Hollywood gossip with remarkable energy. On the second page, instead of focusing on the presenters, I stared at the last (not so new) Jude Law / Sienna Miller split. Having been there, I want to share a couple of thoughts that rushed into my mind then.

Never go back.

At least not in these cases:
- if you fear loneliness
- if you think there are no men/women left on Earth to suit your needs
- if you find yourself ugly/overweight/wrinkled, etc.
- if you are nostalgic
- if you haven't been in another relationship since you broke up
- if you think you can't fall in love anymore
- if you feel tired
- if you think you wasted your time and keep doing it
- if you're not truly, deeply in love again, don't go back.

                                                                   
                                                                                                         *Photo courtesy of www.bischoffgalleries.com

I've personally tried it twice. With different people. It didn't work. It could not work and I knew it, which is the odd part. Despite knowing it, I still gave it a second try. Once out of pure contempt and the second time in search of security... or something I thought was security, safety or whatever I had on my mind but it looked like having a home and supper with someone. The truth is that once broken, the vase will forever remain cracked no matter what kind of magic glue you generously pour on it. I know, I know, there are people who even re-marry and say they are happy together. I agree, it's possible. All is possible in this life on this planet. However, if you want it to work out, make sure that this time you love yourself first, that you like yourself, that you like other men/women, that you're not scared/desperate/lonely and that you treasure your freedom.

(What's this about the prenup? Jeez, if I had had a little brain I would have signed not one but two!)

Back to the Oscars, I keep all my fingers and toes crossed Colin Firth is going to get this golden uncle! At last! The man is an all time emanation of Mr. Darcy, for God's sake! Give him some credit! :))))

What happened to the Monday?

* From www.videowasi.com

Who stole the dull, boring, burdening Monday when all is supposed to be "right" and "accepted"? It may have been the Loire wine or my son's refusal to sleep... Who says we have to sleep at all? I am all up for a sleepless night, even if it's on Monday. What worries and excites me these days has escaped my ability to define it. Something is coming and I feel it on my skin. I've done numerous readings but my cards refuse to reveal the secret either. So, I listen to one of the greatest songs of all times:

Frank Sinatra - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LL5YrVgZ_vU&feature=related

Robbie Williams - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q5uKa1bDtsk&feature=related

and dream of things that never were. What is your most daring dream, the one that won't let you sleep, the one that brings you shivers and yet, you will be lost without it? I have two. Both are so insane and impossible in other people's eyes that I stopped sharing them almost right after I tried for a first time... It's a bit of a lonely existence, the one of a dreamer, isn't it? But how much lonelier I would have been without this light which, I think, I see on the other side of the river... Or it may be the ocean and I can hear the song of the waves - eternal, promising, tempting. Somewhere in the dark a saxophone cries in the night and a prey bird calls on her lover. If anyone knows the man with the saxophone, please tell him I make great martini and bring him over. :)

When I'm down...

When I'm down, when my writing sounds dull, when my features look bland, when my life struggles with the path I walk so irresponsibly, I read this:

She's turning her life into something sacred:
Each breath - a new birth;
Each moment - a new chance.
She bows her head,
gathers her dreams
from a pure deep stream
and stretches her arms towards the sky.

It is here where she must begin to tell her story.

(http://www.live-inspired.com/)

And I do. I begin another story. Sometimes my own, sometimes someone else's but always a loved one. I received an amazing letter from a fellow writer today - a woman with numerous bestselling books, often envied and considered having it all. She dreams just as much as I do and we met online through my ramblings about France and my future existence there. She was staying awake in the nights picturing the same vineyards I did dream of. And today she wrote to me:

"A person must be happy in every area of their life. It is not impossible, nor is it questionable. Who says you can't have everything? I want it. Do you? Then it is as true as anything else. The most difficult part is not to define your wishes but to define yourself as deserving them granted. I dare you - are you worth your goals achieved and dreams fulfilled? Are you afraid to challenge fate and pull her skirts if she is too slow or distracted? I dare you to climb the highest peak you have imagined this year and meet me here next spring. Let's see what you can do in one year."

I've been reading it again and again. Truly, who says "everything" is an impossible wish? Not me... But I admit I am not as brave as she is or as hopeful. My faith is often shaken to the point of destruction. This is the difference between those, like her, who raise again and again, and finally achieve triumph and those, like me, who start many things and dream many dreams but rely on the Wheel of Fortune to take them where they want to be. A bit sad. Even more pathetic. I love her words though. They make me believe.

The not-so-usual way to seek truth

OK, it is a not-so-usual day in life, fall is my favourite season, I'm feeling refreshed, revived, reborn! Could it be a birthday approaching? In general, no. It's been a long time since birthdays stopped being really exciting and turned into "New Year's Eve" #2. Meaning, I am obliged to laugh, smile, giggle, eat and drink, and be merry. What if I don't feel like that? Everyone seems worried if not angry. They say people like that can spoil everyone's celebration. Huh...

Anyways, it is the Tarot I was going to tell you about. For some reason unknown I feel like looking into the future when the year becomes older. It's like staring at the night sky on Christmas. So, I ask my Tarot.

I have two Tarot decks. The first one is The Truth Seeker tarot (scroll down for images of the cards): http://www.janetboyer.com/Truth_Seekers_Tarot.html ; the second one I bought very recently after I was stricken by few of the images, The Universal Tarot by Giovanni Caselli: http://tarotwench.com/sharmancaselli.jpg .

When I bought the first one, I was truly amazed by the art. As important as this is, it s much more important for the cards and the owner to form a connection. This really happened and recently I was proven that my truth Seeker's Tarot is working for me. I felt like I had to read the cards one day, and I did. The question I asked was related to something that was bothering me. However, the cards I took out were all about loss and theft. I was confused as I couldn't relate them to my question. Later that day I tried again with a different question and the result was the same. Next day I lost my credit card. It was the first time that I truly realized what was quietly sleeping in the golden-yellow box.

However, I have always felt quite challenged by the Truth Seeker's Tarot. The Minor Arcana lacks images to help the reader and sometimes the overall feeling I get is controversial. Or I simply get a positive overall feeling from cards supposed to show difficult times. To solve this issue, I started looking for a deck with clear images on all cards to help me learn better. The Caselli Universal Tarot hit a nerve somewhere inside me. It was the Empress card that made me feel like someone was reading my heart (photo courtesy of http://www.oephebia.com/.

I knew this place where she is now. I know these fields, I even know where my house is, and the Mediterranean is on the left of the painting. The green massive seen on the left border is a vineyard... Is this magic? Or is it how Tarot should really work from the very beginning? I wonder.

Since I bought the deck, I have asked many questions and have made reports, and saved the readings as I usually do, so I can follow up and see if I did the reading well, or if the cards told me the truth. Somehow this deck excites me. I hope our connection will lead us all where we want to be. Do you have Tarot or would you like to try it? I would be happy to hear about your experiences. After all, it is not the future telling that made Tarot famous but the method of teaching arcane truth. And that is far more challenging for a materialistic world as ours.

Next deck I'm going to buy will be the Traveller's Tarot!

I feel like running away.

Have you seen the "Runaway Bride"? That's how I've been feeling lately. There are three more months of studies ahead, a part-time job which turned out to eat far more time than half a day, a house to care for, and most important of all - a toddler to look after. I need a break. Desperately. I know writing fragments is unprofessional but this one pleases me. It is dramatic.



Aside from the hectic everyday life, I'm feeling guilty. I had to send my son to a daycare and despite the fact that I found what I believe to be the best existing centre in the city, I still feel a lump in my throat every day. It is me who is lonely and needs him. I can hardly wait to 5:00 p.m. to take him back. Sometimes he is playing and doesn't feel like going home yet and I feel so proud and sad at the same time. He is walking his own path already, I know. Where does my path lay I wonder?

Have you ever had the feeling that someone/something is pushing you back only to make you realize you're going in the wrong direction? What do you do then? Change your ways or keep going like you always did? Tell me!

I tend to think that negative trends are trying to tell me something. I've been in the middle of such for the last two years and can't help but feel like I must make a turn and look for other opportunities, elsewhere. It scares me though. Because this time I think it will be a major change. Roots will have to twist and ground will be lost, cracks will appear...

I'm in a travelling mood again, does it show? My dreams won't leave me alone. As usual my travelling is not simply vacationing but means new life, new places, new people, all from the beginning, and so on. Some people tell me they envy me. Others just shake their heads in contempt. I can't figure out how to treat my own folly. Still, I adore these dreams. They keep me standing on my feet when all around seems dull and lacking perspective.

Have you ever found yourself at a place where you suddenly realized you belonged there? Would you share the story? Were you able to leave? Forever or did you go back there?

It seems I will go back, sooner or later. This restlessness is so well known to me. I've felt like that before. It always ends the same way - something is ruined, another comes to life. There is a little of nostalgia, of course, but the overwhelming happiness covers it with golden patina. Until the next dream hurts the eyes with its unbearable honesty. And "the road goes ever on and on," as my most favourite author Tolkien once wrote.

Meanwhile I translated a book - teen fiction. Hopefully, it will be published and will bring success to its author. I miss writing. I've been coming up with different stories for my son and may be some day will sit and write them down. As about the book I started about a year ago, it is still in my head but somehow words don't come out smoothly these days. After days of heavy thinking, I decided it needed a break.

Me too.