That's my killing combo today. It's my son's first day in child care here and instead of biting my nails at home, wondering how he'll do and in what language he will communicate, I'm sitting here, in the empty hall, checking my cell phone every two minutes if the teachers have called me to pick him up already and watching how the stage builders are trying to break the equipment. One of those days when all around is irritating. Everyone is going out of their way to do everything in the wrong way. On top of that, I woke up at 4 a.m. while I'll have to be awake till no one knows when to see all the stuff cleared from here and gone. I wish the end of the day will be more cheerful than the beginning.
Ah, so it was! Glorious evening. We were stuffed up to the last row on the balcony. I'm feeling good. We did well. :) In fact, we were so damn good and we knew it. LOL Fantastic job by everyone and great performance by the guys!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L1eH1u7D214
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w7sIHcZejBE
Showing posts with label children. Show all posts
Showing posts with label children. Show all posts
Tuesday, September 25, 2012
Saturday, October 22, 2011
A boy. A Pisces child.
My boy, that is. My child, brought by the faeries. Not resembling anyone, not related to anything, a creature of a world I wished to know but I fail to understand constantly. Because I was so much better in this when he was a baby; because I've somehow lost the energy to truly support him these days; because I'm turning into a frightening copy of all that terrifies me in other parents, and because I feel so guilty and I've been feeling like this for months... I just wanted to give him the understanding of one remarkable woman - Linda Goodman. And to say, again, I still love Alice and I still know where Wonderland is... I just sometimes need someone to remind me where I left my key the other day. And I hope he, my faerish child, will understand. I wish he will forgive but not forget. I need a reminder. Every day.
Eager eye and willing ear,
Lovingly shall nestle near.
In a Wonderland they lie,
Dreaming as the days go by,
Dreaming as the summers die:
Ever drifting down the stream
Lingering in the golden gleam-
Life, what is it but a dream?
Someday, either the Piscean philosophy of freedom of expression or the conformist concept will win. My money is on Pisces. Of course, your friendly, warm-hearted little Neptunian must be taught that people expect him to adjust eventually to their crazy-quilt, upside-down concepts in order to survive. But if he's shoved too hard by stem, negative adults, he'll lose his way back to the other side of the looking-glass. Don't steal his key. He needs to slip over there now and then, to refresh himself with the true wisdom of the Red Queen and the White Knight. Then he can better cope with the real world of war, poverty, disease, hypocritical ethics and ingratitude. Your little fish needs a cloak of protection against the cold winds to come. Knit it yourself with bright, gay sturdy yam. Try to understand his Neptune ways. Guide him tenderly, wisely, and when he's tall enough, he may someday suddenly reach out and catch one of his silver stars to bring home to you. Then you'll be glad you didn't laugh at his dreams. Better clear off a spot on the mantle right now.
Eager eye and willing ear,
Lovingly shall nestle near.
In a Wonderland they lie,
Dreaming as the days go by,
Dreaming as the summers die:
Ever drifting down the stream
Lingering in the golden gleam-
Life, what is it but a dream?
Someday, either the Piscean philosophy of freedom of expression or the conformist concept will win. My money is on Pisces. Of course, your friendly, warm-hearted little Neptunian must be taught that people expect him to adjust eventually to their crazy-quilt, upside-down concepts in order to survive. But if he's shoved too hard by stem, negative adults, he'll lose his way back to the other side of the looking-glass. Don't steal his key. He needs to slip over there now and then, to refresh himself with the true wisdom of the Red Queen and the White Knight. Then he can better cope with the real world of war, poverty, disease, hypocritical ethics and ingratitude. Your little fish needs a cloak of protection against the cold winds to come. Knit it yourself with bright, gay sturdy yam. Try to understand his Neptune ways. Guide him tenderly, wisely, and when he's tall enough, he may someday suddenly reach out and catch one of his silver stars to bring home to you. Then you'll be glad you didn't laugh at his dreams. Better clear off a spot on the mantle right now.
Thursday, August 12, 2010
The ever planning and never doing
I just read an article about the power of the present. I know, it's soooo popular these days, together with the positive thinking, you may have already abandoned the whole concept, but still. Because I have experienced myself the power of our mind and I have dreams come true in most unusual ways, I am a firm believer that yes, we can have it all if we only believe we already have it. That's the tricky part, of course. One has to surrender entirely to the imagination to start living a dream while still functioning in the reality surrounding us. Yet, it is possible. I practice daily. I have twenty minutes each night for my dreaming. Just like I have minutes for brushing my teeth, washing my face, placing tons of cosmetics on it, etc. And I am disciplined. I have my phrases, affirmations, dreams - all prepared, all ready. Then I go to sleep assured my subconscious is working hard to bring my wildest ideas to life.
And the next day comes. Where am I? In front of the computer. What am I doing? Researching vacation spots. Again? Yep. I've been doing this for more than two months. For that long of a period I should have chosen not one but five spots, I should have bought all tickets, insurance policies, vouchers, etc. Have I done it? Nope. Why not? Because I'm deadly scared. Of the future, of the unknown, of the imaginary evil waiting for not me but my loved ones, of the fatal error the trip may prove to be... Do you see the pattern?
I convince myself I am a good positive thinker and achiever, yet I can't book a ten-days vacation with my child because I expect all kinds of terrible things to happen while there. I've never felt like this before. Ever. It's the motherhood that made me so insecure. The paralyzing fear for the life of someone else. The enormous burden of being responsible for someone innocent. It's terrifying. I can't recognize myself, yet I know very well the only way to deal with such irrational fear is to face it and do what has to be done despite the fear. Meaning, I must book this vacation. I must choose the spot and just do it.
Will I? Frankly, I can't see it happening at this moment... May be more reading will help. May be my yoga breathing will do the job. May be not. May be if I don't go anywhere I'll feel a bigger loser than if I risk and go. In fact, I know that's how I'll feel. Who stole my adventurous spirit I was praised for just a couple of days ago? Deep inside I feel like a lier. I am someone who preaches but doesn't practice. There were times when I'd drive from Paris to Montpellier in an exhausted Citroen, older than me, alone, not knowing more than twenty words in French. There were also the times when I travelled for work almost 1/3 of the time, driving, flying, jumping on trains in countries I had never seen before... And it was all exciting, it was all thrilling, lovely!
Have I turned into a chicken? Seems so. But at the bottom it's always this fear for the little ones... It's never me, except when I realize if I'm gone, there will be noone else to look after him... Realizing it all also helps, of course. Writing about it, digging in it, looking it in the eyes... All teachings brought together to buy me a simple vacation. Pathetic, no?
P.S. Not to mention that the pictures of beautiful places, beaches, palms and boats on my treasure map are already so many that the rest started looking insignificant!
And the next day comes. Where am I? In front of the computer. What am I doing? Researching vacation spots. Again? Yep. I've been doing this for more than two months. For that long of a period I should have chosen not one but five spots, I should have bought all tickets, insurance policies, vouchers, etc. Have I done it? Nope. Why not? Because I'm deadly scared. Of the future, of the unknown, of the imaginary evil waiting for not me but my loved ones, of the fatal error the trip may prove to be... Do you see the pattern?
I convince myself I am a good positive thinker and achiever, yet I can't book a ten-days vacation with my child because I expect all kinds of terrible things to happen while there. I've never felt like this before. Ever. It's the motherhood that made me so insecure. The paralyzing fear for the life of someone else. The enormous burden of being responsible for someone innocent. It's terrifying. I can't recognize myself, yet I know very well the only way to deal with such irrational fear is to face it and do what has to be done despite the fear. Meaning, I must book this vacation. I must choose the spot and just do it.
Will I? Frankly, I can't see it happening at this moment... May be more reading will help. May be my yoga breathing will do the job. May be not. May be if I don't go anywhere I'll feel a bigger loser than if I risk and go. In fact, I know that's how I'll feel. Who stole my adventurous spirit I was praised for just a couple of days ago? Deep inside I feel like a lier. I am someone who preaches but doesn't practice. There were times when I'd drive from Paris to Montpellier in an exhausted Citroen, older than me, alone, not knowing more than twenty words in French. There were also the times when I travelled for work almost 1/3 of the time, driving, flying, jumping on trains in countries I had never seen before... And it was all exciting, it was all thrilling, lovely!
Have I turned into a chicken? Seems so. But at the bottom it's always this fear for the little ones... It's never me, except when I realize if I'm gone, there will be noone else to look after him... Realizing it all also helps, of course. Writing about it, digging in it, looking it in the eyes... All teachings brought together to buy me a simple vacation. Pathetic, no?
P.S. Not to mention that the pictures of beautiful places, beaches, palms and boats on my treasure map are already so many that the rest started looking insignificant!
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
A woman at 35
Technically I'm not there yet. Still, I was asked to answer a few questions and I found them and my own thoughts intriguing, so I'm posting them here. It's not exactly official interview, no copyright involved (yet). It all started as a game of truth (tricky!). Turned out to be a revealing experience. Hope you find something for yourself. :)
Q. How do you feel different from when you were 25? 30?
A. Smashed.
Q. Why?
A. Well, between 25 and 30 I felt no difference. Whatever was coming my way, I was eager and capable to manage. Now my energy seems at a very low level.
Q. Would you like to share if there is a particular reason or do you think it's aging?
A. I don't believe in aging as such. Ages are numbers. However, I won't deny the nature of our bodies and yes, they do get tired easier at 35 than they did at 25. But at the end of the day, it is all coming from inside. There must be a fire burning to keep the power alive.
Q. And your fire is...
A. Wanted. Dead or alive.
Q. How is writing going?
A. It's not going. I can't write when I'm lacking fire.
Q. It all sounds rather depressing.
A. Agree. I'm actively looking for the "exit" sign.
Q. Have you found it before?
A. Hundreds of times. I know it's there. Somewhere. What is most annoying is my inability to see it right now.
Q. What helps usually?
A. Love.
Q. Speaking of love, when did you fall in love for the last time?
A. About a month ago.
Q. Happily?
A. No way. I'm a Scorpio. We invented love drama before Shakespeare even thought of Romeo and Juliet. :)))
Q. Up till now we have lack of fire, lack of inspiration, lack of love... 35 seems something we should try to avoid.
A. It depends on what you want. If you want roses and pigeons, then by all means skip the grey and black. But if you want to see your next strike of luck as a true gift of the Universe and appreciate it as never before, take the bitter sip, cry if you feel like crying, listen to soul ripping music, spend sleepless nights asking questions without answers, and grow up. It hurts, I know so well. But when the new day rises and you see a rainbow out of the window... Then the faeries may come to kiss you.
Q. Or someone else may come?
A. All frogs are faeries in disguise. Never be afraid to kiss a frog. ;)
Q. What is next in your life?
A. Vacation, vacation, vacation.
Q. Not all is black then.
A. It never is. Life is colors and colors are inside us.
Q. Have you chosen your destination?
A. I've bought plane tickets, yet I haven't booked a place to stay at.
Q. How much time do you have to book?
A. Less than two weeks.
Q. Isn't that a bit risky?
A. Definitely. Especially considering a two year old sleeping somewhere in the fields because his mother is insane.
Q. I can't help but envy you a bit for the adventurous spirit.
A. Thank you. The truth is I'm still torn between different choices and I can't point the one I want most.
Q. But you bought the tickets.
A. Yes, but they are to Central Europe and from there it's equally close to all the countries I'm trying to choose from. Last week I was told the cheap tickets to one of my dream destinations were sold out. I told them I could fly to Madrid instead and drive from there. They pronounced me a lunatic.
Q. Frankly, sounds fun to me. Despite your little child...
A. I know. I'm sure we can do it. We'll be Gypsies for a month... Or two...
Q. I wish you a glorious summer... I hope you answer a couple more questions when you're back. We'd love to know how it all went.
A. Gladly. I'd love to know how it was too. :)))
I apologize in advance for not checking the spelling and not editing at all. Just copied and pasted. Somewhere between the search of a decent place to stay at and the child support fight, I lost my desire to be perfect. ;))
BTW, how are your summer plans developing? :)))
Q. How do you feel different from when you were 25? 30?
A. Smashed.
Q. Why?
A. Well, between 25 and 30 I felt no difference. Whatever was coming my way, I was eager and capable to manage. Now my energy seems at a very low level.
Q. Would you like to share if there is a particular reason or do you think it's aging?
A. I don't believe in aging as such. Ages are numbers. However, I won't deny the nature of our bodies and yes, they do get tired easier at 35 than they did at 25. But at the end of the day, it is all coming from inside. There must be a fire burning to keep the power alive.
Q. And your fire is...
A. Wanted. Dead or alive.
Q. How is writing going?
A. It's not going. I can't write when I'm lacking fire.
Q. It all sounds rather depressing.
A. Agree. I'm actively looking for the "exit" sign.
Q. Have you found it before?
A. Hundreds of times. I know it's there. Somewhere. What is most annoying is my inability to see it right now.
Q. What helps usually?
A. Love.
Q. Speaking of love, when did you fall in love for the last time?
A. About a month ago.
Q. Happily?
A. No way. I'm a Scorpio. We invented love drama before Shakespeare even thought of Romeo and Juliet. :)))
Q. Up till now we have lack of fire, lack of inspiration, lack of love... 35 seems something we should try to avoid.
A. It depends on what you want. If you want roses and pigeons, then by all means skip the grey and black. But if you want to see your next strike of luck as a true gift of the Universe and appreciate it as never before, take the bitter sip, cry if you feel like crying, listen to soul ripping music, spend sleepless nights asking questions without answers, and grow up. It hurts, I know so well. But when the new day rises and you see a rainbow out of the window... Then the faeries may come to kiss you.
Q. Or someone else may come?
A. All frogs are faeries in disguise. Never be afraid to kiss a frog. ;)
Q. What is next in your life?
A. Vacation, vacation, vacation.
Q. Not all is black then.
A. It never is. Life is colors and colors are inside us.
Q. Have you chosen your destination?
A. I've bought plane tickets, yet I haven't booked a place to stay at.
Q. How much time do you have to book?
A. Less than two weeks.
Q. Isn't that a bit risky?
A. Definitely. Especially considering a two year old sleeping somewhere in the fields because his mother is insane.
Q. I can't help but envy you a bit for the adventurous spirit.
A. Thank you. The truth is I'm still torn between different choices and I can't point the one I want most.
Q. But you bought the tickets.
A. Yes, but they are to Central Europe and from there it's equally close to all the countries I'm trying to choose from. Last week I was told the cheap tickets to one of my dream destinations were sold out. I told them I could fly to Madrid instead and drive from there. They pronounced me a lunatic.
Q. Frankly, sounds fun to me. Despite your little child...
A. I know. I'm sure we can do it. We'll be Gypsies for a month... Or two...
Q. I wish you a glorious summer... I hope you answer a couple more questions when you're back. We'd love to know how it all went.
A. Gladly. I'd love to know how it was too. :)))
I apologize in advance for not checking the spelling and not editing at all. Just copied and pasted. Somewhere between the search of a decent place to stay at and the child support fight, I lost my desire to be perfect. ;))
BTW, how are your summer plans developing? :)))
Thursday, June 24, 2010
Love disputes
We've been arguing on an Internet forum for ages which one is worth more - living with someone who makes us feel comfortable, yet lacking the passion, or going for the "big love" risking to never find it. I, naturally, tend to defend the latter option. The thing is I've been in a relationship with someone who was stable, wealthy, secure, mature, and all other "ure" things but wasn't exciting me in any way. I did my best, I swear. Five years is a long time to check out if it's possible or not. And I'm positive it doesn't work. All women I know in such relationships are turning into neurotics with the time. I just don't believe it's in our nature to live our lives thinking on a daily basis that something is missing and something is passing us by. It's poison that works slowly but with the time increases its impact and our blood turns into venomous substance that kills our heart. Up to the point when all those involved in the relationship develop such an apathy that nothing, not even a sudden spark come from nowhere, is capable of restoring the harmony anymore. And this is not about the natural process of "falling in love - love - respect - friendship". This is about the lack of spark/passion/love from the very beginning. I don't believe such sacrifices are worth. Many of those on the forum say it's worth for the security of the children, yet I can't see it. I believe happy children are raised by happy parents. And vice versa - if the parents are unhappy, the children won't be either. This, of course, leads to the fundamental question "in a marriage for the sake of the kids" or "out of the marriage for our own sake". Call me "selfish" but I definitely prefer the second option. If a marriage has reached the point where the kids are the only reason for its existence, it's a done deal.
OK, I was asked why would anyone enter such a relationship at all. From my experience, this usually happens as a result of a trauma - any kind - emotional, psychological, physical. It starts when we are vulnerable and think compromising the spark will lead to a blissful calm existence. Also from my experience, it's a delusion.
On a more positive and summerish note, I think I found a place in Spain where we'll go at the end of August. Screw the economy, the seaside is always healing. :))))
Still no lyrics for a beautiful song in my head. A couple of lines floating around and no more. Terrible.
OK, I was asked why would anyone enter such a relationship at all. From my experience, this usually happens as a result of a trauma - any kind - emotional, psychological, physical. It starts when we are vulnerable and think compromising the spark will lead to a blissful calm existence. Also from my experience, it's a delusion.
On a more positive and summerish note, I think I found a place in Spain where we'll go at the end of August. Screw the economy, the seaside is always healing. :))))
Still no lyrics for a beautiful song in my head. A couple of lines floating around and no more. Terrible.
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
Those grey days when...
...when we walk away and what remains is a question mark... I learned to breathe. I won't say I don't care, I won't lie. But with the time I learned to protect myself and my child from the pain. Not always possible, not entirely so, not as well as I'd wish to. Some days, like today, I'm facing the evening with fear. How will I explain to him, what will I say, how do I interpret the adults' selfishness to a two-year old... How do I translate the lack of love... Sometimes like today I feel I'm a bad mother for not providing my child with the best environment at any cost... Tomorrow will be a new day. Tomorrow I'll be challenged by little chores and everyday life... And again... To answer all those questions he will ask. Find the appropriate answers without knowing what "appropriate" means these days. But any time, any day, I'm staying here with him. And when I'm frightened or sad, I tell myself there is something big in the works for us. Because the Wheel keeps turning. Nothing is forever. Even the bad. This too shall pass. :)
Ah, and I started a new book... called "Winners". Because, you know, I must believe we are winners indeed. :)
Ah, and I started a new book... called "Winners". Because, you know, I must believe we are winners indeed. :)
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