I just read an article about the power of the present. I know, it's soooo popular these days, together with the positive thinking, you may have already abandoned the whole concept, but still. Because I have experienced myself the power of our mind and I have dreams come true in most unusual ways, I am a firm believer that yes, we can have it all if we only believe we already have it. That's the tricky part, of course. One has to surrender entirely to the imagination to start living a dream while still functioning in the reality surrounding us. Yet, it is possible. I practice daily. I have twenty minutes each night for my dreaming. Just like I have minutes for brushing my teeth, washing my face, placing tons of cosmetics on it, etc. And I am disciplined. I have my phrases, affirmations, dreams - all prepared, all ready. Then I go to sleep assured my subconscious is working hard to bring my wildest ideas to life.
And the next day comes. Where am I? In front of the computer. What am I doing? Researching vacation spots. Again? Yep. I've been doing this for more than two months. For that long of a period I should have chosen not one but five spots, I should have bought all tickets, insurance policies, vouchers, etc. Have I done it? Nope. Why not? Because I'm deadly scared. Of the future, of the unknown, of the imaginary evil waiting for not me but my loved ones, of the fatal error the trip may prove to be... Do you see the pattern?
I convince myself I am a good positive thinker and achiever, yet I can't book a ten-days vacation with my child because I expect all kinds of terrible things to happen while there. I've never felt like this before. Ever. It's the motherhood that made me so insecure. The paralyzing fear for the life of someone else. The enormous burden of being responsible for someone innocent. It's terrifying. I can't recognize myself, yet I know very well the only way to deal with such irrational fear is to face it and do what has to be done despite the fear. Meaning, I must book this vacation. I must choose the spot and just do it.
Will I? Frankly, I can't see it happening at this moment... May be more reading will help. May be my yoga breathing will do the job. May be not. May be if I don't go anywhere I'll feel a bigger loser than if I risk and go. In fact, I know that's how I'll feel. Who stole my adventurous spirit I was praised for just a couple of days ago? Deep inside I feel like a lier. I am someone who preaches but doesn't practice. There were times when I'd drive from Paris to Montpellier in an exhausted Citroen, older than me, alone, not knowing more than twenty words in French. There were also the times when I travelled for work almost 1/3 of the time, driving, flying, jumping on trains in countries I had never seen before... And it was all exciting, it was all thrilling, lovely!
Have I turned into a chicken? Seems so. But at the bottom it's always this fear for the little ones... It's never me, except when I realize if I'm gone, there will be noone else to look after him... Realizing it all also helps, of course. Writing about it, digging in it, looking it in the eyes... All teachings brought together to buy me a simple vacation. Pathetic, no?
P.S. Not to mention that the pictures of beautiful places, beaches, palms and boats on my treasure map are already so many that the rest started looking insignificant!
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