Immortal Beloved

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0110116/ As you may (or may not) read, this is one of my all time favorite movies although I dare not to call it simply a "favorite" because it's digging too deep in my soul. I hadn't watched it for over ten years because I feared my own reaction. Of course, these are personal things, not all respond the same way to the same thing and it's all about our perceptions and memories. To me, this movie set the beginning of a five year love story which otherwise would have never happened at all. The man was unattractive according to my vision then, too shy, too introvert, too... not my type at all. Yet, he came one day and left the movie on my desk. Just like that. And was gone. I will forever remember that night as I went home after work and played the old VHS. And played it again. And again. Spent the night peering in the dark. On the next morning I had realized I had just received the most remarkable love letter I had ever received in my entire life.

I watched it again today. More than ten years later. I didn't fall in love with the past again. But I'm still in love with the story. It made me think of the cliche that love comes in all different shapes. Old but true. We tend to wish for love and wishing we somehow subconsciously feed the idea of this most beautiful, smart, caring, loving, successful person... Yet, love may sometimes come into our lives in dirty clothes, with wounded feet, shabby looking, rough and edgy, hurt, resentful even... Will we welcome it then as we would have welcomed the glossy image pampered by our mind? If I hadn't done so, I would have never known one of the most remarkable people I have ever met. It's not said anywhere you will be together forever (another one of those misperceptions of our imagination). It hasn't even been said you will be happy in the sense you'll live in a constant bliss. In fact, most big love stories rarely have a happy end. And I think the reason behind that is the raw power, the electrifying energy so difficult to handle. It's like touching fire, feeling the pain and still reaching for more. At the end, one or everyone, turns into ashes.

I'm a Plutonian girl. I know what "frozen flame" means. I know explosions. I know ashes too. And it all sums up in the simple phrase "I am love". Not how the other looks like, not how he entered my life, not if he met any requirements, not if he'd had one or eleven relationships before that, not if he were a saint or a devil... but how I felt. The feeling makes my world turn. Bitter or sweet. So be it!

P.S. The letters Bethoven wrote to his mysterious lover can be found and read here: http://home.swipnet.se/~w-15266/cultur/ludwig/beeim.htm At first, I didn't feel them. I somehow missed the atmosphere of the movie. But when I spent more time with them, I sensed that raw power... and the explosion came.