Beauty queens

One of the benefits to be a moderator of a Moms&Babies forum is to be part of the annual nominations. Each year, prior to the holiday season, tens of thousands of moms fight for the crowns of the Best Cook, Best Vacuum Cleaner, Diaper Changer, Christmas Decorator and so on. It's meant to be fun. However, contrary to what many people may think, the most anticipated and desired category is the Golden Mirror in which, of course, the title won is a Beauty Queen but there is little beauty in manners when things come to competition. :))))))))))) Somewhere among the diapers and the wet wipes, the moms are eagerly getting ready, booking photo sessions and attending beauty procedures. Each year the battle is bitter, hair extensions and artificial nails fly around. Being a moderator, I've always been far too serious (mean!) for anyone to even think of putting me in any of those. What was my surprise when I went to check what the gals are doing today and saw my name (!!!!) in this exact bloody battlefield named Golden Mirror. LOL On one hand, it really made me laugh which was good because this wasn't a very good day otherwise. On the other hand, there is absolutely no way I'll ever get involved in the hair pulling and scratching thus I threatened them I'll participate with my newest Halloween series! :))))))))))

If this doesn't scare them, I don't know what. By the way, I (apparently) survived the Halloween party at home but at one point realized we, the moms, had already drunk one bottle of wine and were on the second one in a desperate attempt to pretend we didn't hear or notice what was going on around. I'll have to recover from that now, just after "this" trip to Italy. Um hm. Oh, and these teeth are terribly uncomfortable! I feel for all poor vampires out there. LOL I hope you had a funny Halloween! :)

Child & Il Divo

That's my killing combo today. It's my son's first day in child care here and instead of biting my nails at home, wondering how he'll do and in what language he will communicate, I'm sitting here, in the empty hall, checking my cell phone every two minutes if the teachers have called me to pick him up already and watching how the stage builders are trying to break the equipment. One of those days when all around is irritating. Everyone is going out of their way to do everything in the wrong way. On top of that, I woke up at 4 a.m. while I'll have to be awake till no one knows when to see all the stuff cleared from here and gone. I wish the end of the day will be more cheerful than the beginning.

Ah, so it was! Glorious evening. We were stuffed up to the last row on the balcony. I'm feeling good. We did well. :) In fact, we were so damn good and we knew it. LOL Fantastic job by everyone and great performance by the guys!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L1eH1u7D214
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w7sIHcZejBE

Answers

I received a few very carefully phrased questions and realised I may be touching on sensitive topics while people are not sure if their comments will automatically pop up on the blog, the answer is no. The comments are moderated and if you ever want to ask or comment without it being published, just let me know.

So, here are some answers to what I got as questions:

Marriage for money? No. While I'm the last person to proclaim living in poverty (if it's not a personal choice) which, in my opinion, debilitates people, me included, I still don't find myself capable of staying in any kind of relationship (and I've been there) for money only. I must be independent or I pack the bags, which I'll have to do soon if I don't hit it big.

Faith? Yes. You must have faith and you must take good care of it. We often take it for granted, something you either have or not, but I beg to differ. Faith, like all other things, needs maintenance. Fix it when it's broken. If you'll go to church or stare at the ocean, find your own way, the one thing that makes you believe that all is possible and you're taken good care of. Faith brings trust.

Prayers? Yes. I do believe in the power of prayer. It doesn't mean you have to be religious. You may pray to energy, nature, faeries, pagan Gods and Goddesses, whoever suits your mood and understanding. Prayer focuses the mind on your dreams and wishes, it's the easiest form of meditation I know.

Divorce? Yes. To me, the most ethical thing to do when things are not well, when the spark is clearly gone, is to free yourself and the other person, and give both of you the chance to meet someone better. I don't consider any excuses like the kids, the money, the security, the house, the expenses or similar as valuable. These are not good reasons to keep yourself and the other one prisoners.

Success? Hm... Last time I was successful (based on my criteria and it's pretty high) was about five years ago and it felt like heaven. Still, it depends what kind of person you are and what success means to you. I'm still investigating if it's true that when you do what you love, success comes for sure. Nothing to report yet. In general, I think it's human nature to like being appreciated, regardless if it's only by your family members or by multimillion audience. The moment I feel I'm taken for granted, I pack the bags again. Lots of packing in my life, that's for sure.

Fear? Oh, I can write an encyclopedia on this. I know so many sides of fear. There is no way of denying its presence. I'm still fighting my fears on daily basis. I learned to admit them. I say to myself "Yes, I'm terribly afraid of.... , I accept it, and I release it now!" It's been working. Try to find your way. I sometimes imagine stuffing the fear in a balloon and watching it flying away.

Wealth? It comes and goes. I was a teen when I first saw how in literally one night all the wealth I thought we possessed just disappeared. And I mean, all of it. I found myself at a bottom I couldn't recognize, I was a child. Yet, I crept back to the surface. Easy? Not at all. But it's possible. The most challenging thing for me personally was, and still is, to accept the idea of wealth as energy that is constantly floating around. Also, I make quite an effort to learn how to manage this energy without freaking out each time I lose and without turning insane each time I win. Up till now, I've found it's a question of training the mind. As we go to the gym, we should exercise our mind too.

Positive thinking results? Yes, there are results. I've had some pretty good ones, yet my failures are more to this point. It's my deeply rooted disbelief, the "oh, it won't happen to me" when it comes to really good and big things. Like, wishing to win the jackpot but somewhere down there the little voice is mocking and giggling. To me, personally, the key is repeating daily to myself that it is possible (whatever you wish for) and I deserve it. But, really, this must be a daily ritual. Our mind believes our mouth.

Single parenting? Parenting is tough anyways and "single parent" doesn't necessarily mean one must be separated or divorced. I'd been a single parent before I got separated. But, as I said, regardless how tough it is, I don't find the kids a good reason to stay in an illusion of a kind. The moment we give them life is the moment they are already a separate identity. They have their own life. We must care for ours, I've never seen happy children raised by depressed parents.

And that's all for today, folks. :)))

P.S. Yesterday I received a spam letter signed "R.B., Esquire". It's funny he immediately popped up in my mind - a hero of a book, just born to be in it. Gloomily hanging hair, too long and too straight of a nose, eyes of a spaniel... Yep, if only there was time to write.

I feel like running away.

Have you seen the "Runaway Bride"? That's how I've been feeling lately. There are three more months of studies ahead, a part-time job which turned out to eat far more time than half a day, a house to care for, and most important of all - a toddler to look after. I need a break. Desperately. I know writing fragments is unprofessional but this one pleases me. It is dramatic.



Aside from the hectic everyday life, I'm feeling guilty. I had to send my son to a daycare and despite the fact that I found what I believe to be the best existing centre in the city, I still feel a lump in my throat every day. It is me who is lonely and needs him. I can hardly wait to 5:00 p.m. to take him back. Sometimes he is playing and doesn't feel like going home yet and I feel so proud and sad at the same time. He is walking his own path already, I know. Where does my path lay I wonder?

Have you ever had the feeling that someone/something is pushing you back only to make you realize you're going in the wrong direction? What do you do then? Change your ways or keep going like you always did? Tell me!

I tend to think that negative trends are trying to tell me something. I've been in the middle of such for the last two years and can't help but feel like I must make a turn and look for other opportunities, elsewhere. It scares me though. Because this time I think it will be a major change. Roots will have to twist and ground will be lost, cracks will appear...

I'm in a travelling mood again, does it show? My dreams won't leave me alone. As usual my travelling is not simply vacationing but means new life, new places, new people, all from the beginning, and so on. Some people tell me they envy me. Others just shake their heads in contempt. I can't figure out how to treat my own folly. Still, I adore these dreams. They keep me standing on my feet when all around seems dull and lacking perspective.

Have you ever found yourself at a place where you suddenly realized you belonged there? Would you share the story? Were you able to leave? Forever or did you go back there?

It seems I will go back, sooner or later. This restlessness is so well known to me. I've felt like that before. It always ends the same way - something is ruined, another comes to life. There is a little of nostalgia, of course, but the overwhelming happiness covers it with golden patina. Until the next dream hurts the eyes with its unbearable honesty. And "the road goes ever on and on," as my most favourite author Tolkien once wrote.

Meanwhile I translated a book - teen fiction. Hopefully, it will be published and will bring success to its author. I miss writing. I've been coming up with different stories for my son and may be some day will sit and write them down. As about the book I started about a year ago, it is still in my head but somehow words don't come out smoothly these days. After days of heavy thinking, I decided it needed a break.

Me too.